I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
