Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
