I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize