the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
