I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
