My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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