I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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