everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
