Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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