I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Houston, we have a squirter
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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