I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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