Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
