Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So vagazzling was a success
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize