I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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