After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
