So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
the liver wants what the liver wants
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
