Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
