Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
