I can tuck mytits in my pants
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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