the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
