I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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