he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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