Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
