1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
