You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize