Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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