My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
