someone threw a dead crab at me
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
