...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
