My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
