I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
