Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
