Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
