Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
