Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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