I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
