At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just invented taco cereal.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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