If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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