grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
