She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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