Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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