i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
