We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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