The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize