He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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