I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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