Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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