i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize