I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
