dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
