Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
