made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
