So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
