i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
