Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
