is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
