hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
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