I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
