dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
