You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
