Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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