im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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