She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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