dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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