I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
