Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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