Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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