Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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