Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
